Lost

Today I'm having a bad day, It's 8.24 am and already I'm feeling like a complete failiure as a person. It is days like this that I realise that I truly need a friend, someone who really cares about me unconditionnally and is there to look after me and support me when I'm down. My friends don't really do that - I support them and thats how it is. If you can call them friends at all. The only person who I can think of that actually does care about me, who listens and doesn't judge me - is Troy, which is weird because he's the most outspoken of all of them.

I know I meet Scott when I am in need of a freind and a hug but he expects more, and I'm sure he only meets me because there is a slight chance he may get more. That wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for the fact that he knows me very well - he knows what a fragile state I'm in and he knows that I don't want what he wants.

I don't know what to do - I feel absolute despair - how do you make friends? I know so many people in my day to day life - but there is no one who really understands me, except Trev, and he gets tired (physically and emotionally) of listening to me - he feels like I'm criticizing him, which sometimes I am.

Please someone help me, I am so alone in a sea of people, I know these are cliches but I really and truly feel like this. Life is hard, so hard.

When i think of Shane my heart aches, I miss him so much. he was a pain and annoyed me sometimes, but I loved him - he truly was my best friend. I spend every evening and most days with him - we went to the cinema together, doing a little dance to the intro (crying now) - we would go for long walks together most days, he would cook for me, and buy me little gifts and I would do the same for him. We would just sit and chat and play for hours and hours. There was always somethig to talk about - but we were very similar, neither of us had real friends - we only had each other. God, I miss him so much, I wish he was here now, I know he would just hug me and give me a little kiss on the top of my head and let me vent as much as I needed - and make me feel completely safe.

Thats what i miss, feeling safe, Please somebody help me - I can't cope with all this. I am expected to be strong and keep it together for everyone in my life. Kids, John, friends, work, the house etc etc but no one is there for me, not really - please .........., please come back - I miss you so much. Please.