Long time no speak ...

So it's been a long time and things are weird. John and I are more or less ok although I can completely see that he is hugely stressed. It's been a very dodgy few months because our friend Peter took an overdose a few months back which sent me completely off the rails. they've put me on Sodium Valporate and I'm seeing a Pyschiatrist every few months and a social worker every week. I think as an outsider looking in I'm probably doing alot better than I was. No more random trips spending loads of money!! But in myself I'm very down, the tablets just seem to have taken away the good bits! I mentioned this to (Juliet), the social worker today and she seemed quite concerned as I've also been very tearful over absolutely nothing and broke down a couple of times in her office. She said she's gonna have a word with the doc and give me a ring.
Peter and I have a strange relationship - especially since the overdose, I took it very hard and for a couple of months felt it was my personal mission to keep him alive - I was very high and didn't really think about anything else other than the little bubble of depression that only me and him could understand. Anyway he's sitting here in front of me asking me what I'm writing so I'm gonna manybe write a bit more later.

decision time

Right, I've decided - I'm going to tell him that I'm not happy with everything that I've already written down - the weed, the gaming, the lack of attention and the dealing. But then, I'm gonna leave it to him. I'm gonna be smart, positive, happy and sexy and I'm gonna be a good mum, I'm gonna go out with who I want when I want - I will always choose to be with him over anyone else, just have to wait and see if he wants to offer. Fuck it - I am stronger than this - I'm gonna enjoy my life and show him what he's missing.

Kit. xx

The problem is...

The main problem is, apart from everything I've just written, is that I don't have the John I fell in love with any more. He was kind, considerate and really made me feel safe and looked after - now he's the same person with everyone else, but not me. We used to talk for hours, go out to the cinema and sit and watch cheesy tv together - he would watch the stuff i liked and vice versa - he would always look after me, and ring to check I was ok. he wouldn't let me go out on my own in the dark and was protective when i would go out with exes. Now he really couldn't give a damn! He did used to play computer games but not all the time like this, probably a couple of evening a week he would play for a few hours and Iwould chat to him and read while he was playing, now he gets mad at me when I speak to him while he's playing! We would go to bed together at the same time, and make love often, we would watch dvd's in bed or he would read if he wasn't tired when i wen't to bed - but he was still there, I could cuddle him and no I was safe.Now I spend the majority of my time in bed , alone. Actually, I spend the majority of my time, alone, full stop. I need someone to look after Me , to give me some attention and to make me feel special. Which is why i know I will end up turning to other men to find that, I don't want that - I want my husband to love me again, but I don't think that's gonna happen, I think we've gone too far.

GGGGrrrrrr

Today I'm just frustrated, I'm finding it harder and garder to deal with John. He's like a bloody zombie - he seems to have changed so much in the past couple of years. All he seems to do as soon as the kids are in bed is smoke weed and play computer games - it's driving me mad - he spends hours and hours talking to people in this fantasy land where he kills people. Things are becoming more extreme now because the fantasy land he plays in is starting to mix with reality - ie he plays online with 3 of my 4 brothers so when they come round to visit they just talk about life in this "other world". He has started dealing weed to save some money as we're really short - to be honest this doesn't bother me that much as it's only quite small amounts but I've always said I don't want to know and don't want to be involved. He's quite open about it though and talks about it with freinds in the garden and at home. Recently as well, there has been a few times where he's been at work and I've been at home with the kids, and he's sent me a text and told me someone is coming round to "collect" - and even though they are usually friends, I still think it's blatantly obvious because they don't stay. he also took me with him when he bought some, I said I'd just walk ahead and he could catch me up but he insisted i stay with him and joked that I was "a good cover" - I don't want to be involved in this in any way.
He has never had a problem with me going out and i always thought it was because he understood that I needed my independence, but more and more I am realising that if I go out he can play without even bothering to have to think about feeling guilty. I am becoming more and more lonely and feeling more and more like my marraige is a sham. Don't get me wrong i love him so much, but he just doesn't seem to feel the same way - if he does come and sit with me on an evening, I feel like he's just doing it because he feels like he should - not because he wants to, and I really feel that he just can't wait for me to go to bed so he can get back to his other life - the better one. Unfortunately, my husband constantly looking for an escape into a fantasy world makes me feel like there's no point.
I have said to him quite often that it would be better if we went to bed at the same time and got up with the kids at the same time, then when the housework was done and stuff, we could both enjoy some time on the things we like doing - but he's not happy with that because he says he needs to smoke weed when he plays and besides - his "friends" won't be on at that time. What about his wife????He usually plays from about half seven. I go to bed about half nine, every night I go to bed alone, he comes up and gives me a hug, which used to be a chance to spend a little together time and have a chat about our day, maybe even make love. Now it is a half hearted hug where he tries not to talk to me because he wants me to go to sleep so he can go back down and play. After that he will usually play till about one or two on an "early" night or about four on a "lie in".
I get up at half five with the kids, this morning was ten past five. He gets up (with a lot of moaning and stomping) with me shouting at him because he can never get up on his own, at 8:30 to take the kids. This morning he was working at 8 though , he got out of bed at ten to - spoke to noone and slammed the door on his way out - saying goodbye to no one. I can't go on like this - it's ridiculous.
Occasionally he gives me a lie in, but he will still go to bed after midnight, alice will start crying at about 5:30 but he never hears her so I have to wake him, and we spend usually at least an hour with him going to her after alot of me shouting at him, then he comes back and falls asleep and 5 minutes later she strats again, and he doesn't hear her - and apparently thats a lie in. I do tell him to go and get her out and take her downstairs but of course he's so bloody tired after being up late all he can think about is going back to sleep - I am at my wits end - help me please!!!

Kit. xx

I did a bad thing

Spent all day today trying to do housework but have spent most of it actually just flirting with Scott via E mail, he can't text me in case his girlfriend goes through his phone so I find myself sitting at the computer waiting for it to bleep at me. How sad is that?? It's strange with Scott, i've heard people say they can love 2 people and I've thought "What a load of bollocks!" but I really do think it could be possible for me to be in love with both of them. It's not lust because I don't perticularly think about sleeping with Scott at all, it's definately excitement and danger which is a big part of it. Also the feeling of being in control, like it's me thats in control of scott and I and it's me who can cruch him this time rather than him crush me like last time. So it's all a bit wierd, i am completely in love with John, he's just driving me a bit mad at the moment - he's so down and doesn't really want to do anything but still gets upset with me if i don't wanna have sex at 3 in the morning. Think I'm just gonna have to see where it takes me. Kit. xx

filling in the gaps

Just read that last post back and realised that you don't know who Shane is at all. Shane was a qualified nurse who I worked with at the hospital, we met just after I had Tia and was moved to a different ward, 1999 - 10 years ago! We hit it off from the start, I was dating one of his friends and he thought Shane and I were having an affair because we would always be chatting or having our breaks together. We weren't having an affair and it had never crossed my mind, we just clicked and enjoyed each others company. I found him intriguing, he was different - like me; and to be honest when i met him, I thought he was gay. I learnt so much about his life, he had a girlfriend who went to school with me, and then he was seeing another lady for a long time. When he was younger he had gone through training to become a priest but had dropped out at the last minute because he had fallen in love with a woman with 3 kids. He had never really got on with his parents, I think they were dissapointed about the church thing - they were very religious. Anyway i could go on and on about Shane, he was the most interesting person I have ever met in my life and it was great fun being freinds with him. We were freinds for years, went out about once a week to put the world to rights and would often meet at work on our lunch breaks.
In 2003 I started seeing Scott (Yes, the same scott - this time it was a proper relationship) and moved departments so I could be at home with him in the evenings. I felt settled, happy and content. It was Shane who got me the job in the day centre and it meant working with him every day - he would pick me up for work in the morning and drop me off, sometimes after a drink. We grew to be even closer friends as we worked together all day - people misunderstood Shane, they believed rumours which had meen manipulated against shane, which made me stick with him even more. Later in the year, Scott left me for another woman - to be fair I was absolutely heartbroken and it was Shane who looked after me and helped me pick up the pieces. We then began to spend every day together, he looked after the kids when I was working overtime, he stayed at mine sometimes and was completely amazing. He never ever put one step wrong, never tried anything on. He told me he loved me often, and that he thought I was amazing, that he really loved the childlike qualities of me and that we would be freinds forever.
Septemberish time, he went for a date with another girl Sophie (also one of Johns Exes) and he seemed to really like her. I was so jealous, I couldn't believe how strongly I felt and how jealous I was - not so much that he fancies her, but that she was going to take him away from me - he was all I had! So I struggled with this for weeks, she treated him really badly too - which mad me mad! On fireworks night it all got too much for me and I decided I needed to see him, I rang him but he didn't wanna leave his dogs on fireworks night to get me. I was distraught so got a taxi (!!) to wellingborough and surprised him!! We spent the evening chatting and playing as usual, he showed me loads of photo's and told me about his childhood. This night however, the play fighting didn't stop at tickling and we ended up in bed. After that, we were a couple, work couldn't know - or one of us would have been moved, so it was a big secret. Things were good on the whole. Over christmas I found out I was pregnant and Shane wanted me to have an abortion. Luckily (Sorry, if I've offended anyone) I miscarried so the decision was taken out of my hands. I was very ill with that and had to lie to my bosses about why ( I don't like lying and still makes me feel bad even now).
Anyway to cut a long story short,, Shane went to australia for 3 weeks in April the following year, while he was away I grew closer to Troy and John and realised that life was a bit suffocating being with Shane 24 7. It seems that he was missing me terribly while he was away because he was ringing me constantly - evry couple of hours. He asked me to marry him over the phone - I said no, I wasn't ready for that. We were friends but I honestly wasn't sure that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. A few hours later he rang and asked if he could move in, again I said no, it was something we would have to talk about when he got hime. He said "Jo, It.s all or nothing" so i replied "Nothing".
When he arrived back from australia - he smashed up my computer, took away everything that I had with any memories of him, everything he had ever given me, any photo's, notes - even the jar I used for the dog food which he had given me. He also took my own jewellery, photo albums, CD's and various other stuff. He hacked into my emails and booked himself onto a flight to paris that I was going on my own and emailed people telling them I was dead. When I got to work he had taken things off my desk and i was starting to get scared., I confided in someone at work and went home. To top it all, my grandad had just died.
the following day he went through my phone on his lunch break and deleted every male name he could find - I got really mad and was shouting at him to leave me alone, at that he raised his hands and said with a smug look on his face "Fine, if thats what you want, you will never see me again!" he walked out of work, phoned me half an hour later to tell me he'd sent me an e mail, I asked if it was important but before he could reply my phone battery died. He hung himself about a minute after the phone died.

Lost

Today I'm having a bad day, It's 8.24 am and already I'm feeling like a complete failiure as a person. It is days like this that I realise that I truly need a friend, someone who really cares about me unconditionnally and is there to look after me and support me when I'm down. My friends don't really do that - I support them and thats how it is. If you can call them friends at all. The only person who I can think of that actually does care about me, who listens and doesn't judge me - is Troy, which is weird because he's the most outspoken of all of them.

I know I meet Scott when I am in need of a freind and a hug but he expects more, and I'm sure he only meets me because there is a slight chance he may get more. That wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for the fact that he knows me very well - he knows what a fragile state I'm in and he knows that I don't want what he wants.

I don't know what to do - I feel absolute despair - how do you make friends? I know so many people in my day to day life - but there is no one who really understands me, except Trev, and he gets tired (physically and emotionally) of listening to me - he feels like I'm criticizing him, which sometimes I am.

Please someone help me, I am so alone in a sea of people, I know these are cliches but I really and truly feel like this. Life is hard, so hard.

When i think of Shane my heart aches, I miss him so much. he was a pain and annoyed me sometimes, but I loved him - he truly was my best friend. I spend every evening and most days with him - we went to the cinema together, doing a little dance to the intro (crying now) - we would go for long walks together most days, he would cook for me, and buy me little gifts and I would do the same for him. We would just sit and chat and play for hours and hours. There was always somethig to talk about - but we were very similar, neither of us had real friends - we only had each other. God, I miss him so much, I wish he was here now, I know he would just hug me and give me a little kiss on the top of my head and let me vent as much as I needed - and make me feel completely safe.

Thats what i miss, feeling safe, Please somebody help me - I can't cope with all this. I am expected to be strong and keep it together for everyone in my life. Kids, John, friends, work, the house etc etc but no one is there for me, not really - please .........., please come back - I miss you so much. Please.